a~

I saw her on Saturday and fell in love with her again. I’ve been dreaming of all the things I’ve done wrong in our relationship and all the things I could do better if we gave it another shot. I spoke to her tonight on the phone and told her all that and more. She said she still loves me. Then I made her say it. “Alisha, I do not choose you.” I had to make her say it. She loved me so passionately, so fervently, I consumed her…and now she “doesn’t choose me”. She is making the right choice for both of us. I know this, but I just don’t know what to do without her. Without someone. By myself? Really? How did I get exactly what I’ve been asking for for years, and it feels so fucking frightening. The silence in Japan was peaceful and serene…the silence in my apartment is like the silence of a city that has been evacuated. The silence of a house that has suddenly been abandoned. The silence in the mall after its been closed. I need to change my perception of this silence, and I will. I just am not quite sure how to yet. Oh, Father Time. How he does play for us and against us throughout our lives. Right now I am so grateful for the passing of time…for each day that ends brings another nuance of healing.
The other night I started brainstorming “what does Alisha want in a partner?” I came up with all of two lousy traits before I was distracted and bored…and then I realized that I really can’t even think about being with someone right now….although that is all I can think about. As if that makes any sense.
I keep looking at myself in the mirror, and thinking that I have never looked more beautiful. Yet I have never felt less attractive. One of those annoying jokes that life plays on us, I guess. I am grateful for my strong and healthy body, and my nice skin and hair….I thank the universe everyday for my health and vigor and energy. THANK YOU! I also remember times when I looked much less attractive yet so many people constantly told me I looked beautiful. Beauty really does shine from within. I know that my heart and my soul are strong and beautiful, they’re just a little muddled and scarred right now. Definitely not shining. My task now is to maintain my body, and polish up and reinvigorate the other parts of my beautiful self. I need to practice being open, and just loving. That should be my mantra..”Love..love..love” Sounds simple but that is such a difficult little game for me to remember as I walk through my days. I have lived the past few years of my life withholding love, then lavishing it in order to control my partners. Bad, Alisha. It should be given freely. Practice the art of loving freely, Alisha….and take the punches that come with it. I like that…it just made me smile. At least I know that I can “take the punches”. I’m good at that.
As far as Cassie goes, I barely even want to see or hear that name right now. She was right…it is so HER. She is so wrapped up in those six little letters. I need to stay far away from her. Every time I see or talk to her I get sucked back in. Distance, for now, is the fastest route to mental wellbeing, I think. Thank you, Brain, for being smart and logical. Now help me, Heart, to be strong and carry it through.
Love myself. Love others. Love like I’ve never lost. Love like today is my last day in earth. Love as I would like to be loved. Love is forgiveness. Love is acceptance. Love is freedom.
She does not choose me. She does not choose me. She does not choose me. She does not choose me. Believe it, Alisha, and find freedom inside of those words. You are free. Do something amazing with it.

I smiled today. I looked at myself in the mirror and I laughed. I looked at the moon this morning at 4 am as I drove to work and I cried. It was beautiful, powerful, demanding of my attention….I was grateful. Shannon invited me to a women’s retreat. I accepted her offer and I am glad. She is filled with a joy that I hope to learn about. I slept peacefully all afternoon. I ate. My body is sore but feeling strong again. It is looking beautiful. Thank you for my strong, healthy body. Thank you for my sharp mind. Thank you for the perserverance to push through difficult times with hope always in my future. Thank you for this life, whose purpose it seems is to learn the art of love. I will dedicate myself to its mastery. Please forgive me for all my mistakes in advance. Thank you for my sense of adventure and my sometimes reckless fearlessness. I am so appreciative that this wonderful gift of life was given to me to live and love and to mess up. I am visualizing and manifesting smiles. Tonight as I go to sleep I am going to paint my mind with laughter, smiles, giggles, and tears of joy. This is what I am calling to me. I am going to manifest joy in its most simple and tangible form first—smiles. Even my liver will learn to smile.

I told my grandmother tonight that I'm gay (an unintentional post-christmas present). She fanned herself for about 10 seconds then said, "Oh, I knew it since you were in highschool." Why don't people tell me these things? jeez. 10 years of beating around the bush seems like an awful waste of time.

Soooo...it seems that my christmas present this year was the relief that honesty brings. A good little lesson to jot down in my book o' life lessons. honesty=good. lies=bad. Funny how that's a real challenge for me to wrap my duplicitous little pea-brain around.

I'm almost ready to start writing about my life again.
Emphasis on "almost".
My fingers are itching, but my heart's not ready yet.

Patience has always been a virtue of mine.

"Write a journal entry with six random facts about yourself. Then, pick six of your friends and tag them - no tagbacks. These rules should be included in your entry."

1. I do a cartwheel about 3 times a week in my living room. Usually its because there's nobody home, and I am gleefully nude.

2. I dream about sugar plum fairies, and I dream about unicorns eating bowls of glitter.

3. You know that generation of parents who scoffed at their kids and said: "Humph! English?! What are you gonna DO with a degree in English?!" Yeah, I think they were on to something.

4. I dislike my job. Alot.

5. The only criticsm (to my knowledge) that I've ever made about Drew's appearance has developed recently. He says he's doing an "image change" and his new look is "industrial". He's been wearing a curdurouy tight basecall cap incessantly for a month, and he loves it. It makes me nuts.

6. I talk to chocolate, cakes, and sweet breads. Usually I am pleading with them to stop tempting me with their deliciousness.

Tag: volunteer basis only

I adore being unemployed and busy! I think I'm finally settling into life in America again, and it just feels DIVINE to wake up in my newly prettied bedroom, next to my sweet husband and purring cat, and then go make french press coffee before I start my day. Seriously, though, i have been so busy taking care of setting up house that it feels like I do have a job....but a really fun one. Yeah! It feels good to not be miserable and crazy anymore! Plus, I'm much more sociable and probably better company too.

Today, I'm going to Target to merrily spend wedding gift certificates. Then I'm going to the Home Depot to learn about painting....something i've never done before. We decided to paint the living room "matcha" with accented white walls. I can't wait to see how it turns out! Also, I want to go to World market to see about this burgandy shag rug that was on sale last week-- I think it will match perfectly in our seventies ruckus room.

Zephyr has grown even cuter than before as he grows into his American self. Currently, he is battling for dominance over the house against Miss Chickenface--the girly cat that lives here too.

My Grandmother is so awesome. Here are some of my favorite moments with her throughout the last week:

1. She saw a new house being built, and wanted to take a "little walky-pooh" through the framework to see if they're building houses with adequate closet space these days.

2. Upon exiting the unfinished house, a bee swooped down near her face. She swatted at it ferociously, and said "Dammit, you bee! Get outta my face!" Then she huffed and snorted for a few steps and muttered to herself, "God damned bees all up in my face *humph*"

3. Upon losing the final hand of Texas Hold'em to her boyfriend, she said "Well, damned your spotted hide! You're mean! Just plain ole' mean....isn't he, Alisha?! That's it, I'm done with you and we're never speaking again! *humph* Well, at least I know you're not cheating 'cause you probably don't even know how *giggle* Damn you slick little fella!"

4. grandma: "Alisha! My lil' ole celly phoney won't dial! I've gotta call Don (the boyfriend) and tell him to watch Wheel of Fortune!"

me: "Is it on?"

grandma: "Oh! Ew! Ahhhh...to be seventy again! Back when I was seventy I could have learned all of these gadgets in a minute! One minute!"

I'm in Corpus Christi right now, and having a great time hanging out with my Grandma. Yesterday, I admitted that I had no idea what the difference between a Corolla and a Civic was....I mean, they're both just distinct cars made by a Japanese maker, right?....and her response was "Jesus, baby! You gotta get with the program!" This sort of admonishment occurred several more times before I relented and admitted my complete incompetence in current American culture.

I wanna go home! I'm already done with America......

My flight from Nagoya to Houston is in 13 hours.

I leave Haruno in 8 hours.

Wow, time really flew.

I forgot to tell you about the flippin' crazy fun weekends I've been having lately! I'll start with this past weekend since it's still fresh on my mind.

On Saturday morning I went to Kakegawa to visit my little Scottish Shortcake, Saoirse (said "Sirsha"). She is the most random and jubiliant girl I've ever met, and we have so much fun together whenever we hang out (which has been almost every week for the past month or two!). Anyways, I went to her "Keio Plaza" suite (hahaha)in Kakegawa, and then we joined forces with Missy and Joanna, and commenced our final "naked party" at onsen together. The onsen that we went to was GORGEOUS, and it had about 10 baths that overlooked this pretty green lake and a thick canopy of trees overhead. Plus, it had a huge waterfall that you could stand underneath and it would pound your shoulders and back. *sigh* So we chatted and laughed and steamed and bathed and rinsed and repeated for about 2 hours...at which point our jaws were sore from so much talking and laughing and we were totally dehydrated from all the hot water. Next, we plopped ourselves down in some reclining massage chairs and all relaxed (as if we weren't relaxed enough already) before our night of debauchery was to begin. We made plans to meet up with our friends Mike, Maren, and Maia at this BierGarten that's on the roof of a building in the downtown area. It was such a cool little place, and they had a nomihodai (all you can drink) special that night! For two hours of all you can drink beer and cocktails it was only 18 bucks! Holy cannoli, we were like WTF?!

Needless to say, we got pissed really fast...and I honestly don't remember large chunks of the evening from here on. My memory just flashes...

*flash* everyone is laughing about Japanese women and their enormous bushes *flash* Saoirse and I knock over a beer because we're screaming "Ohhh, I love you!" and hugging across the table. *flash* Maia shows up and falls on the floor laughing because she's never seen us that drunk before *flash* we're in a karaoke bar, singing 80s hits, and all of us strip off Mike's shirt *flash* Maren's walks into the room and is butt flossing with Mike's shirt *flash* Maren's shirt disappears, and we're singing "Oops I did it again" together *flash* Saoirse loses her shirt. *flash* Alisha's fantasy of half-naked girls dancing up against her and gyrating comes true. Alisha savors the moment by capturing it all on video! ha! *flash* Alisha falls out of the rolling car and into a drainage ditch. Mike very gallantly fishes her out *flash* Saoirse and Alisha decide to practice running and jumping on Mike's back. Saoirse falls. Alisha laughs.

*flash* Sunday morning.

In spite of the fact I drank like a sailor, I really didn't have too bad of a hangover. So on Sunday I hi-tailed it out of Kakegawa, and visited my friend Tomoko in Toyooka. She took me to the yummiest unagi shop (eel)! Oh, it was heavenly! After lunch we went shopping, and she bought me some Japanese eyeshadow that she thinks will look pretty with my eyes (so sweet!), and then we went back to her apartment. At her apartment, her parents came over (who are also my dear friends) and brought me some going away presents and a little dinner packaged up in a box (because Tomoko and I were too full from lunch to join them for dinner). We laughed, we cried, we said farewell....and I finally headed back to Haruno.

There's a senior sitting in front of my desk, and he's holding his chin trying to make it stop quivering. Poor kid. I think he's being told that he didn't get the job that he applied for--which is a pretty serious deal for my students. *splash* There went the first tear...

Exactly two weeks left in Japan. I can't believe how fast these 2 years have gone! When I look back, it feels like just yesterday that I flew into Tokyo--too scared and too excited for words. I remember the feeling of walking into restaurants and not being able to order food, or riding the train and feeling like it was the grandest thing ever. Now that I'm about to leave, I'm once again at a loss for words....although I've acquired a few more I could say in Japanese. Natsukashii. Samishii. Waku Waku!! My feeling is that I know it's time to find my next adventure, but what is it? Somehow, going back to Austin seems..I don't know..I guess it seems scary. I've changed so much over here, and I'm nervous that my old friends won't understand me, or even worse, I won't understand them. I don't want to revert to the person I was when I left Austin...I mean, I liked her and all...but I like who I've become even more. I feel like when I go home I'm going to have to clench my teeth and fight against the "pulls" of my old bad habits--although I can't exactly verbalize what those "bad habits" are--I just have this weird fear of them. Maybe the thing I'm afraid of is being an irresponsible college student again, which should be easy enough to avoid since I won't be a college student anymore. *sigh* Basically, it just boils down to the fear of the Unknown. I can deal with that. I need to remember to enjoy the present, and not worry so much about the future. Breathe, Alisha...breathe.

Last week I was supposed to have an open class where a state-wide "teacher's coach" watches my lesson, and then gives advice on how to improve it. Well, my open class got postponed until OCTOBER because the "teacher's coach" was caught in bed with a junior highschool prostitute who just happens to be attending one of the schools that he frequently coaches. Gross. The same thing happened to another ALT's principal last year. *tsk tsk*

This morning a teacher who lives across the street from me backed his car into a lamppost. There was some pretty serious damage to his car. It was kind of funny is a sick way.

On Sunday I had lunch with Shino-san, Missy, and Will. I delivered your message to Missy...about how you haven't forgotten...and we both just started bawling all over our fried crabcakes. Your existence has not been erased. Everyone misses you, and thinks about you all the time. Cross my heart. I'm making a slideshow right now for Missy's goodbye present, and I'm doing a section called "The Good Old Days"...all pics of us at karaoke and what-not. The background music is Boehemian Rhapsody, and when I watched it made me sigh. I wish you could've stuck around longer. I ate Aria last weekend and thought of you.

I put up some new photos, finally. Gracias, Saoirse!

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v675/alishagolding/


I re-read that post the other day about the butthole game. It made no sense, and the links didn't work. I think I was crazed when I posted it. Now I'm just lazy, and not going to fix it. So there. *blows raspberry"

Speaking of raspberries, cherries are in season now and they're damned delicious.

I bought a new yukata (summer kimono) this weekend, and it's gorgeous! It's "mizuiro" (water blue) with little sakura petals and lotus blossoms painted on it. I also got matching geta (wooden block shoes) and a new obi that's bright red(sash/belt)...they were ridonkulously expensive and extravagant, but I just couldn't resist. I can't wait till Bentenjima Fireworks so I can wear it! This year I'm going to go all out and wear my hair piled on my head with a bobble stuck in it, plus dangle earrings. Ooooohhhh....I do love Japanese fireworks and yukata. I think Bentenjima is in about 2 weeks....wahoo!

Annoying occurances so far today:

1. The part-time teacher who sits next to me has been snoring at her desk for 5 solid minutes. She teaches some horrid watered down version of sex ed., and there's a giant picture of a uterus in front of her. I hope she doesn't drool on it. Gross.

2. A (non-blind) student just came into the staff room, looked around, and then asked the sleeping teacher "Where is Tanikawa-sensei?". The sleeping teacher awoke, looked around, then asked another teacher in the staff room "Where is Tanikawa-sensei?". That teacher stops talking to a student, stands up, and goes into the teacher's lounge area. Tanikawa-sensei is obviously NOT in the staff room nor the lounge, but he asks the teacher who is taking a break "Where is Tanikawa-sensei?" This teacher leaves her coffee, goes over to his desk, and roots around through his stuff. She finds his class schedule, and tells the teacher that Tanikawa-sensei is teaching a class. That teacher then tells the sleeping teacher who then tells the student. It turns out that Tanikawa-sensei was not in the staff room because he was teaching the class that SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN. She came into the staff room to tell him that she was not going to be in his class today. Inefficiency at its prime, my friends.

3. My JTE's hands were shaking violently as he set up the projector in class. Apparently, he was very nervous because it was his first time to use a projector.

4. Drew leaves next Wednesday.

An article I found. A must read.

Saturday June 30, 2001

Dyed hair, make-up, body piercing, 40 percent with sexual experience, 30,000 of them having abortions every year. Unthinkable among teen-age girls a few years back, it's the norm in Japan now, according to Shukan Asahi (7/6). And if the once unthinkable is now common practice, it should be no surprise that we're witnessing what had previously been unimaginable -- girls nowadays refuse to change their panties.
"My undies? It's a pain changing them sometimes. You know, like after you've stayed at a friend's place, you don't change 'em much," 16-year-old Yumi says. "But ... I do make sure I use a protective sheet for secretions so my panties don't get dirty."

Kyoko, a 17-year-old Tokyo teen, tells a similar story.

"It costs a lot to buy underwear if you're away from home for two or three days, right? That's why I always used the protective sheets," Kyoko says. "But I've stopped using them now. I used to leak a real lot of fluids. My panties would get all crunchy and the hairs would stick to them. It really hurt when I changed my undies."

Physicians are astounded by the girls' attitudes.

"These girls have got an alarming knowledge of sex techniques, but most of them have no idea about illness or hygiene," says Tsuneo Akaeda, a gynecologist. "Some girls think it's fine not to change their underwear for a few days as long as they replace the protective sheets for secretions."

Akaeda tells Shukan Asahi that a random test he conducted last year found that 82 percent of 125 girls in their late teens or women in their early 20s have had some form of venereal disease. He adds that random tests on teen-age girls this year have come up with even more alarming results.

"Just changing the protective sheets and not their panties can lead to a build-up of smells and conceal the degree [to which a sexually transmitted disease (STD)] has progressed. Sometimes, this makes it too late to treat the STDs," Akaeda says.

Shinya Iwamuro, a doctor from Kanagawa Prefecture specializing in public health, agrees there're problems with young women's awareness.

"Most of them think that if they come down with an STD it'll be easily treated," he says. "But they've got no idea of the difference between germs and bacteria, or what's clean or dirty."

It seems the problem lies largely at the feet of the protective sheets women can insert in their panties to absorb nether-region secretions. But the sheet-makers are shocked to hear that many young girls are using their products as an alternative to changing their panties, Shukan Asahi notes.

"Many women feel uncomfortable with the fact that secretions can dirty their underwear. Protective sheets were developed in 1988 so that even if secretions did appear, women could feel clean in their delicate zones without having to change their underwear," says a spokesman for Kobayashi Pharmaceuticals Co., Japan's largest manufacturer of the sheets.

Kobayashi has found that 36 percent of all Japanese women use the sheets, with the core market made up by 20- and 30-somethings. Those in their teens account for 39 percent of all sales.

"With the declining birthrate, sales of all women's sanitary products are down, except protective sheet sales, which are booming," the spokesman says.

Shukan Asahi finds that some girls feel that using the sheets as an alternative to underwear helps their sex life.

"If secretions dirty my panties, it's really embarrassing when I have sex," says a 17-year-old girl. "But all I need to do is take the sheets out just before I do it, and my panties stay clean."

Perhaps cartoonist Mimei Sakamoto speaks for many when he utters his disgust at the idea of girls leaving their knickers on for days.

"They're not changing their undies?" Sakamoto scoffs in disbelief. "Letting their panties smell so bad that anyone who gets a whiff becomes sick shows a complete disregard for others."

I just discovered the Japanese arcade game called "Boonga Boonga". It's the weirdest one yet.

The object of the game appears simple, you have to jam a big plastic finger up someone's butthole. WTF?!
Built into the cabinet is a bent over backside, and on the screen in front of you appears the expression of the person as you shove the finger inside. The harder you shove the finger inside, the more points you score.

From the brochure:

"This is a fun game of spanking the people that make your life miserable. When you spank the character that you choose to punish, the face expression of the character will change as they scream and twitch in pain. The funny face expressions will make people laugh and relieve stress."

"Characters include: Ex Girlfriend, Ex Boyfriend, Gangster, Mother-In-Law, Gold Digger, Prostitute, Child Molester, Con Artist.



An advertisement


Notice that the mascots are a large poop and a finger.


A Poster

This game is interesting because Japanese kids really like to shove their fingers up adults' buttholes. It's true. When Drew and I go to the orphanage, I always keep my ass to the wall because those little buggers are ambitious.

I'm supposed to discover the identity of my successor sometime within the next week or so. I've got alot of information that I need to pass on to her/him, so I decided that I'd start writing a description about the teachers and students at Haruno High School. Now, I know I've mentioned on LJ that my students are a bit slow, but I'm not sure if I've gone into great detail about the specific reasons they are slow. Well, as I was writing to my successor I decided that I wanted to adequately prepare her/him for the challenge that lies ahead. My rough draft is priceless. All true, and fucking frightening.

This was what I wrote:

"What I’m about to tell you might come as a huge shock, but please try not to let it get you too upset or worried about your job. The students level of English is very low. Please do yourself a HUGE favor and throw out any preconceived notions you might have about the assiduousness of Japanese students. That is not the case at your school. Haruko is a “special” school where students go if they have had problems throughout JHS, or if they happen to live in Haruno town. Therefore, the student population is composed of students who cannot afford to travel outside of town for school, and students who get bussed into Haruno because they couldn’t be accepted into another school. "

" (this is my favorite bit) There are many students who have (un)diagnosed mental handicaps (autism, downs, mental retardation), physical handicaps (calipers on legs, evidence of head trauma, brain surgery scars), and emotional problems (unmedicated ADHD, severe agoraphobia, mute by choice) and they are mixed right into the classroom with the bright, eager kids who are native to Haruno. Due to the unsegregated classrooms, the pace of lessons is very slow. Therefore, the majority of (your) students have extreme difficulty composing even one English sentence. In fact, many don't fully grasp the concepts of "verb" or "noun" even in Japanese. Many do not know the colors, cannot count past 10, and a few (5 or less) cannot read at all. About 95% have no concept of phonics, and cannot sound out words that they haven’t memorized (low level students tend to memorize English words and phrases like they do kanji….they don’t see the letters that compose the words, but only the picture of the word a as a whole.) Some students are even intimidated by simply saying the word "Hello" to them....they might lower their head, go limp, or run away when you say this to them. My predecessor didn’t tell me this before I arrived, and I spent a lot of time being blown away by how little my students could comprehend. Although this information might sound scary, it’s really not a problem once you know how to groove on their beat, you know? "

Oh my god, I'm laughing so hard right now as I re-read that! Welcome to Japan!

Needless to say, that needs alot of editing. More like deleting.